Friday, June 4, 2010

being realistic

I just went though one of the worst sickness I have every experienced. It was a roller coaster of fever temperatures; moving in small increments upward. I have never been bound to a couch or a bed unable to even check work email. I am slowly starting to feel better but not at all 100%, I would say I feel more like 60%.

What did I realize? Health is wealth. I heard that saying a few years back when I was an executive assistant at Cadence. An older man who was in a senior position doing research and development wrote me this in an email. It was simple and hence I always remembered it. The other point I remember about him was that he was from an older world where women who study math or science are considered an oddity and that fact that I was a professional working must mean something is wrong with (not married) or I was extremely young. Funny how that stuff exists.

I haven't ran this whole week due to being sick and I am not even missing it at this point due to feeling so fatigued. The Dailey Method I mentioned, was great while it lasted however extremely expensive. I try to be under my means for security so I stopped that completely. Why is it so hard to be consistent? haha! You know why? Because your mind thinks it requires work, if I can only shift my brain to think of it as vacation, life would be easier.. I will let you know how to do that when I figure it out.

I will be honest, I feel pretty down so here goes:
- I keep getting this awful realizations that I am too old for a career change. I had this realization that I might be stuck doing what I am doing for the rest of my life. I have this thought at odd times at night. I know its not true but I know it could happen.
- My boyfriend is tired of me being unhappy. You know what is lame? He is starting to see nothing interesting in me. Part of it is me not knowing what the hell I want to do.
- Sickness sucks. Antibiotics give me a stomach ache.
- I realized I have folded into a small casket. I do not do anything creative anymore, I am held in due to fear or fearing "I am too old"
- I need to change this!

To be continued.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

what's new?

As of right now:
- I have ran 3 marathons. 
- I have a new job at Facebook. 
- Officially in my 30's and I feel it
- have completely changed my diet
- have attended ayahuasca ceremony
- buried my study of mathematics
- re opened my studies of nursing

I feel like there is a lot more to thinking about and mention however, these are the first items that come to mind. It's been a lot time since I have written in any other form other than email. Sad, disheartening, not sure. I am in hopes to revitalize something new with in me. I am on work vacation and I am already starting to get bored (its been two days). I sat here today thinking to myself how ridiculous I can be. No more.

As of now:
Workout
Started the daily method (http://www.thedaileymethod.com/)... goal? Goal is to get as I fit as I can. I started on Tuesday (April 12th). To be honest, I read about it and my first thought was how can this work? While waiting for my first class to begin, the class prior was just wrapping up. I could hear the class participants sighing and laughing out uncomfortableness. I thought "wow, this should be interesting".

I wont go too much into the details (you can yelp this or read several reviews online). The class uses yoga, pilates and core exercise. It is uses quick, small lifts utilizing all the hard to get areas. I was sore an hour after the class. 

My second day was great as well as my first. I am so sore right now. I would almost compare it to as sore as running a marathon. Hope this works. I will give it a month, 5 days a week. 

I am also running 5 days a week. During the week, I will only run 3 mile to 4 mile runs, treadmill. The weekend, I will run long on Sunday, 12 mile max, Saturday 6 miles. 

School

Math RIP. I love math but hey, let's be realistic. Once I would complete my degree, I am not really that interested in what I would be able to. I still study math but I decided to end that and pursue other interests. I was a bit depressed about it for awhile but I soon was able to let it go. 

I have registered for De Anza. I am to go this Friday to have a counselor review my official transcripts. I am prepared to hear the news that my credits from 96 will not be valid. That is OK. :) Nonetheless, maybe some of it will be credited. 

I have been studying medical terminology and anatomy. Fascinating. Completely infatuated with cardiology. Yeah, I am going back to pursue a BSN. :)


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I have been thinking alot about..


candy despite that I hate the stuff..

This is what I thought of today:



















Thursday, November 20, 2008

Like an ostrich vs. the bowling ball


Marathon: I had been scheduled to run some marathons prior to last Sunday's however I either got injured or sick prior and never was able to make it. Anyhow here I am and wow.. I didn't realized that Texas was cold. 7AM and I am in a short sleeve short with tight runner pants in 40 degree morning weather waiting for 45 mins to start my race. I was in corral 19 (there where a total of 39 corrals!). There was 25,000 people there running standing next to me not freezing as much as I was. Luckily, I had a hooded sweatshirt that I didn't care for so much and brought that with me. I decided to dump it after I got too hot and sure enough, I dumped it on the side of the road at mile 3 along with the other thousand of sweatshirts, hats, jackets, gloves and pants and even running bras ( I saw a few which left me thinking how and why) on the side of the road.

Funny: I was running along and I see this large but short stubby BALD man (short as in 5 foot), with no shirt on and a BIG belly running past me around mile 6. As we ran, his shorts would fall just a bit showing his hairy butt to me as he took every step. ( running shorts have a back pocket located near the crest of the butt where you can put Gu which is running gel that gives you energy. It is in small packets and if you have a few of them, it will tug as you run hence showing the butt-age. I have seen it many times before). So I am running and thinking "Oh hell NO! this bald shirtless big belly man is not going to pass me up!" So I start running a bit faster. He was fast! I couldn't believe it! How can this big bowling ball of a person pass me up? Did he have wheels in his running shoes?" I let him pass me because I didn't want my ego to tire me.. I still had 20 miles to go. I saw him again at mile 23 and I kid you not, he was like chugga chugga chugga --cho cho! right past me! I was so mad and perplexed at the same time. hahahaha!

After I hit mile 13, I started to feel tired. I have completed a half marathon; half way done. I ate my running rations, drank my Cytomax but still felt tired. It got desolate. We were running outside of San Antonio in some sort of park. No was was around, just runners and all you could hear is their feet hitting the pavement and the weird sound, hard to explain, of people pushing on. I didn't make much eye contact because I knew this would be the boring part of the run and I just needed to concentrate on something. It was hilly and bland. I kept saying to myself, If I can just get to mile 20 and see John W, I will be happy. I try and break up my long runs in segments so I feel accomplished. I felt that it took a lifetime, I felt like it was a glacial period that went by. I got to mile 20 but I couldn't find him. Press on.

Mile 23 was the hardest for me. All of the sudden my left knee (my problem knee) was hurting really bad. I felt pain like never before. I started limping while running and began to go to panic mode thinking "I got this far with 3 more miles to go and I am not going to finish". So I start limping and running faster to get those last 3 miles in. The tears started to come down because of the pain and of the panic of not finishing. I thought if I bust my knee then so be it, at least I busted it trying to do something in my eyes to be worthy. My lower back started ringing in pain. It was so painful that I was doubled over as I limped and ran. My path of logic at this point was to get some inspiration. I wanted a familiar face. I knew Pat, my co-worker would be around the end of the race and I desperately tried looking for him. I couldn't find him. John W mentioned he was at mile 20 which I had past but I couldn't find him. I thought maybe he was in between miles but I still couldn't find him. All of the sudden people on the side of the road started cheering for me or maybe they had been the whole time and I was tuned out. They were yelling "You can do it!, Keep going!, Don't stop now little lady! Keep that pace! All pain now, more glory later!". I start to look at the runners with me and I see a guy running with a prosthetic leg. He was in more pain than I was; I could tell. I thought that I could push on and how thankful I am. I ran up to him and patted him on the back and said for him to keep going, dont give up. He smiled and thanked me.

Now, I am not a religious person but at these weird times in life being in pain and panic mode, I didn't know what else to do. I then thought in my head " Jesus, God, Buddha.. any higher deity in the world, please help me get through this". A few moments later the pain went away. I was shocked. I then picked up my pace. I had two more miles to go.

I knew I was close. I could tell by the way the road was lined up that the finish line was near but how near? I start to see the Alamodome where I knew the race finished. I make some turns, make some more turns and I start to see the end. As I make a final turn near the Alamodome, I see a damn hill. I believe I audibly said to my self "Are you kidding me? God Damn !@#$". I press up the cursed hill, turn the corner and I just started smiling. The big finish line, the finale, the end of the mental journey. I cross the finish line in a blur. I dont remember much. I start walking, get my medal and I realize I cant keep my balance. A medial aide helps me through. I start to feel that my socks are stuck to my toes. Meaning that maybe they have been bleeding the whole time and its stuck to my toes ..meaning more pain to come. I went straight to the medical tent and sure enough..it was gross. I will keep those details.

I saw Pat after I got out of the medical tent and after having laid on the parking lot floor of the Alamodome. It was great to see him. He had his dog with him who seemed more tired than I was. My family and I walked back to the hotel where I slept for a good 4 hours. I woke up and went to have dinner at Flemming's. They gave us champagne and a gift for completely our marathon. I have never felt more bliss in my life. I feel like I can do anything in life. Sounds silly, but everything made perfect sense, everything was OK, everything will always be OK and I felt humble. To be at peace is to do what you love and not let the little unimportant things get to you. Its really that simple. It always was.

Where's the next Marathon? :)

Here are some photos:

Boring plane



Pre Race

San Antonio:



TX

My Sister
Some nerds..they even have helmets.. bleh

Alamo


Dreams


End: Tore up, messy hair.. uh

Monday, August 18, 2008

much more candy



I went to the beach on Sunday. Made some friends: