being realistic

I just went though one of the worst sickness I have every experienced. It was a roller coaster of fever temperatures; moving in small increments upward. I have never been bound to a couch or a bed unable to even check work email. I am slowly starting to feel better but not at all 100%, I would say I feel more like 60%.

What did I realize? Health is wealth. I heard that saying a few years back when I was an executive assistant at Cadence. An older man who was in a senior position doing research and development wrote me this in an email. It was simple and hence I always remembered it. The other point I remember about him was that he was from an older world where women who study math or science are considered an oddity and that fact that I was a professional working must mean something is wrong with (not married) or I was extremely young. Funny how that stuff exists.

I haven't ran this whole week due to being sick and I am not even missing it at this point due to feeling so fatigued. The Dailey Method I mentioned, was great while it lasted however extremely expensive. I try to be under my means for security so I stopped that completely. Why is it so hard to be consistent? haha! You know why? Because your mind thinks it requires work, if I can only shift my brain to think of it as vacation, life would be easier.. I will let you know how to do that when I figure it out.

I will be honest, I feel pretty down so here goes:
- I keep getting this awful realizations that I am too old for a career change. I had this realization that I might be stuck doing what I am doing for the rest of my life. I have this thought at odd times at night. I know its not true but I know it could happen.
- My boyfriend is tired of me being unhappy. You know what is lame? He is starting to see nothing interesting in me. Part of it is me not knowing what the hell I want to do.
- Sickness sucks. Antibiotics give me a stomach ache.
- I realized I have folded into a small casket. I do not do anything creative anymore, I am held in due to fear or fearing "I am too old"
- I need to change this!

To be continued.